What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 05:36
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why would the United States need a fleet of the F-47 fighter jet fielded in the 2030s?
But, we were locked up after school.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But it wasn’t much.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I never cut or harmed myself..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She was in good health!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was scared of men, in general
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I think the readers, may guess!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I waited trembling.
Would this be the day?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was 9 years of age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Who then, do I blame.?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
What did i know ?
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My family never makes their pension either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My life is so biszare .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im still living with it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I said to her
I was very sick at this time too.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Ive learnt so much.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He resisted the act ,that day.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I don,t even have a pension.
All the time i was locked up.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So whats the point in blame.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot live in the past .
He knew the spot.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Comes on , in middle age.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I will be 64.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It was going to be , some day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She married twice! .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was seconnd youngest,
I write beautiful poetry .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She wouldn,t have been !
We were not on the streets..
This is soul school!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I have no regrets .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She loved him until the end.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
When she asked me how she looked .
We all went to grammer schools
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Put me off passion for life!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And i lived it daily.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So, i spoilt her more .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She found it foreign!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)